Table of Contents
Journal
| Clarity and Cleansing
A lot can be said about fasting from social media, but when someone does it, even for a short term, there can be a lot learned. For me, it meant to set aside distractions that held me in a lot of anxiety and obsessive compulsion (some of it can be OCD related and other times can just merely be habitual). I took a mere week off and still found anxiety to be an issue, I found facing certain insecurities that set off the anxiety and performance I had from negative voices in my past that I had to let go of. In light of my Christian faith, I found that mentally and spiritually letting go of those through a sort of proxy forgiveness of the bitterness I held of the old memories to have helped me see the humanity in them.
Hopefully, I would want such people in my past who have hurt me, whether in my face or afar to actually change. Maybe they became a Christian themselves. Maybe they also changed because they have a family and are raising their children the right way to be kind and peacemakers. Because I think there's nothing worse than to pass our broken ways to our children to grow up betrayed in a world of hurt and wonder why it isn't working for them when they create those types of memories and children for themselves and with others. As Frederick Douglass once said, "It is easier to build up strong children than to repair broken men." That is why I would want to repair myself first as I even teach the children at the church how to build themselves in God while the time is nigh.
| Counting Blessings & Staying Aware
A lot has happened between May and now. But I'll count my blessings in the form of how I have gotten a bit more involved locally, including a nice gallery showing at the local Juneteenth festival this year, which was nice! I'll have to add those a bit later to this entry...
Otherwise, things have been not too eventful in my life other than some good opportunities coming here and there. I still need to be a bit more consistent in showing my work at least online. For some reason, I find it so much easier to talk to people in person, where I've gotten used to carrying my physical portfolio with me wherever I go. I find that very useful even in this digital age. I'm around a lot more senior aged people, so they appreciate something in their hands a lot more than a mobile device, even though I know many of them who do have smartphones. Though, as a young adult, I appreciate those kind of analog things, too.
In the meantime, I should try to type up some reflections on the culture or even some art related things a bit more for my site here. I have gotten through learning some more art related things as of late, especially with exercising and comparing how certain traditional techniques in watercolor and acrylic compare and contrast with each other on top of how that translates into digital works. My brain is really enjoying this comparison, so I am really excited to do a lot of ideas and not get hanged up on being a perfectionist, but a bit of a scientist to experiment. That's where I am most happiest in experimenting, and that's the most helpful mindset in beating perfectionism for me.
| What's Up With Me, Lately?
A lot, simply put.
A lot, as in, some great ups and some downs here and there. Nevertheless, persisting.
The good? My birthday, being featured in the local magazine, and some opportunities to create and teach art, which is great!
The bad? Some mental slumps and an annoying trip to the ER with somewhat disatisfying care that isn't fully taken care of. I'll live with it until it's done with, really.
Also, I hadn't updated this site because sometimes I felt that I wasn't as motivated to update and upload some things here and there. It's more than likely perfectionism getting to me. However, maintaining a website like Neocities has kind of helped me problem solve better when I want to give it a bit of a facelift, so to say. As someone who likes the visual aspect of webmastering, learning about CSS and what it does was tough for me at first. Though, like anything, it takes time. I have a long way to go on it, but I've learned a good bit more than I have before. Not to mention, some online tools have been helpful in making the editing more pleasant to deal with.
PetraPixel's generator has been the most helpful in getting my site together, and I'm happy to see the recent update to the code generator to make that happen.
And I am really excited to share the contents of my gallery soon! I've got the landing page for that already sorted out, so I have to make the galleries itself soon enough.
| The Value of Togetherness
Today was somewhat okay. Due to allergies kicking me in my face last night, my voice wasn't on point as it could have been, so I didn't get to teach today at church. It is what it is. I felt pretty down about it. However, the kids did well singing today, and I wished I could sing aloud with them.
Otherwise, my mother, her coworkers, and I teamed up to visit another coworker & friend who lost her husband. It's been wonderful over the years to see their friendship to have grown the way it has. Said coworker we visited used to babysit me as a baby, so she's very much a family friend. It was sad to hear how her husband's health issues were treated by the hospitals he was at before he passed. I'm grateful that he knew the Lord, and that he had his wife and his stepdaughter with him in his last days and moments. He'd been sick for a while to the point where he earnestly wanted to be with Jesus. It breaks my heart a bit because I don't know many people who are like that. He was a really kind and gentle man, rather quiet compared to his rather chipper and hilarious wife (the only Pentecostal Christian I know who will give up her body to science when she passes on). His wife mentioned on the phone with my mom that he'd always admired and respected me a lot over the years. I hope he rests well in body and soul.
Our visit to her house was nice, and her seeing their other coworkers was a nice surprise for her. The four of them catching up and reminiscing was lovely. It makes me think of what I've heard of some young people who don't really befriend their coworkers in some places. I'm glad my mom didn't do that, or else she wouldn't have had the support system by the time she had me. I do understand that many people keep home and work separate, as my mom did, but I suppose that looks different for everyone.
| Up To New Things
These days have been pretty nice so far. I've been learning a bit more about CSS that I'm getting more comfortable with customizing my div classes and ids more. One video I watched
was really good at explaining CSS a bit better through merely using a code editor and a browser from yeeears ago really made more sense to me. W3schools has been a bit more easier to
understand all the ways I can test some things. Also I've found some wonderful pngs across Tumblr these days to decorate my website even further. I'm a fan of neat little images everywhere.
Meanwhile, I'm getting more comfortable and confident about some of my art adventues from techniques I'm experimenting with and finding that they work for me. There's still
progress to be made on some things I could depict more of, but I hope to accomplish those soon enough. Even though this is a rough time nationally, I still want to keep hope that I can still be a light
to people where I am or anywhere I am online. Hopefully, that looks like healthy friendships among other relationships for me. 
| So, We're Living in Quite a Time Again
Much time has passed since I made a proper journal entry in my site. Even though I tend to prefer my Dreamwidth for journaling, I've gotten used to putting my art there more than merely putting my thoughts out there. It seems now we're living a drastically different time than from last year or the first 20 days of the year from January.
Maybe you get the hint. 
Otherwise, as far as my life goes? Some good things have happened. I'm aiming to do more with my personal goals with art,
and I am having a couple of opportunities in to prove myself. Despite the way I express myself with my close friends and neighbors,
anxiety to prove myself to be perfect at what I do can still nip at me. All I can do is really pace myself with my time, and aiming
to be intentional in using that time well is what I should do. Because that person believes in me. I may be nervous, but I am thankful. 
Finding some good resources with respect to illustration work has been helpful. I should also go back to my SVS assignments to finish
those as I study and draw this work. I hope in the near future to be more bolder with my projects to so that others can be interested in my work as
well as really get the ball rolling as an artist.
Otherwise, I am making so much progress with my story, The Secret Things! I found some wonderful resources concerning comics such as this site (which I'll add to my art page), and it makes me so amazed and yet a bit sorrowful for myself. Amazed in the way that this information isn't gatekept anymore, and that it can be such a great help to me. On the other end, some of my sorrow I feel is for my younger self not having the access to this type of information. Part of me feels that if I had known what it really took to be an artist back then, I wouldn't have made myself so foolish and naive about the various industries and what it really takes to not only make it but to stay employed and make those meaningful connections.
Anyway, I am getting to really write my outline for the first chapter in detail. I've wrote a great amount of notes and ideas throughout last year,
which should give me enough ammo to really get the show on the row with making comics the way I really want to. I also have, at the back of my mind,
to maybe make some short comics to practice script writing for comics that will ease me into my short serial. Sometime, even though I've drawn out many characters,
I will have to go through a character sheet and line up at some point in time. 
All my respect to another online friend I keep in touch every now and then who has done such a great work for her own story. I'm trying to get like you. 
Today, church was good. I always get nice complements as a lay reader, which I partly credit to my Baptist upbringing that made me and the other youths really practice public speaking (even though it was brief or business type of things) in working in the church. I always enjoy my Sunday School class with the priest and other congregants from the early service. The post-church coffee hour was a bit fun today due to some of the older ladies wanting to watch the college women's basketball team on TV (yes, we've got a TV downstairs that we barely use, but there was a use today)!
| Another Unveiling
There's a lot that's been on my mind since I've last been on Neocities. I've had a lot of loss between my last update in May versus now, mostly through some of my loved ones passing away and a sort of second faith-related deconstruction. Now, let me be clear: my faith survived my first deconstruction and reconstruction. This isn't so much a crisis of faith as it is a deep dive into history about various Christian groups that end up being so influential in so many churches with so many movements that have proven to be extremely toxic. Some of us don't even know that the way our churches started through controversial figures some would condemn and excommunicate today!
Otherwise, my faith still stands on Jesus, the author and finisher of the faith. I know from my own experience from what I know and read from Scripture that he's proven legitimate to me all this time. Compared to what I have read about various leaders and figures of Christian movements I have read that contribute to a lot of stressful divisions in the church in America and other areas of the world, I am concerned of Christians claiming certain things about the Lord that doesn't look like him at all in the Bible, even with fantastic spiritual experiences.
Though, don't get me wrong: those that tend to limit the Spirit's work in the church don't always have the best attitude in criticizing certain excesses that they end up in error in other ways as well. Those people have the same thing in common with those that they criticize: they are lacking in the fruit of the Spirit, the attitude of Jesus.
I want to at least brainstorm an article in discussing some of these details that really reveal aspects of the Christian church that has its strengths in the remnant Christians who are faithful to what has been written and guided by the Spirit as well as expose those movements and historical leaders that have made a lot of unnecessary division and confusion to Christians and also former Christians who have been hurt. There's so much church history that isn't explained to us that answers so many painful questions about why certain doctrines and practices ended up in church where the verses used to support it don't have that understanding of its initial audience or an underlying long term principle to future readers.
Perhaps this would take more than just one article to explain...
Otherwise, I've gotten better on a personal end with some things I've faced about myself with the above and more. I've had some nice joyful things happen, and I am thankful
for those blessings. I also want to stay mindful in praying wisely these days and spiritually sobering up with use of my time. Sometimes I feel more spiritually weary in looking
at my country, especially at Christians who fear losing power that was not given to them. In begging for a King Saul, they may actually get a Nebuchadnezzar sooner than they think.
| Time Passing Swiftly, As Usual
A lot has happened since the last journal entry. Some of that stuff was truly taxing and a bit traumatizing in losing some loved ones. Though, I've had some good times in celebrating people close to me. On top of that, I've been processing some things about myself, and I'm glad to be growing as a person in being more self aware of what I do. I just need to act on things and not worry about making mistakes. I think I realize that sometimes waiting too long can be a mistake in itself. I'm satisfied at least with that understanding.
So at least for today, I pushed myself to post my gallery and one of my museum pages. Everything's a work in progress, and I won't punish myself for my flaws for not feeling like it's perfectly done. It is what it is.
| Brainstorming Some Articles
May the Fourth be with y'all! I'm no Star Wars fan, though I know plenty of people who are! I've been working quite a bit in the background for a bit of artwork on some of the pages of this website here and there for more fun to bring about here, though very slowly. I've finished my art classes. and I do find, fortunately, that I am getting a bit better in applying some more of what I've learned. I've only scratched the surface of it so far!
Also I've been getting better at becoming more confident in just doing things instead of overthinking. That's helping me in feeling more rewarded, and my brain will get the memo of me to try it again soon enough. Though, I will have to work on shutting my curiousity down in the name of "I wonder something and want to do some research about it," only to sacrifice my time to do anything creative. I suppose that's just my sense of wanting to attain more knowledge of good and evil. Such a human thing, yet there's too much to learn in this world. Solomon (or Qoheleth) had a point in studying too much will wear one out. Some things I wish I didn't learn.
In the meantime, while I'll have the library and museum up for the icons to be displayed, I'll be working a bit further on content for them. There's a few little things here and there, though I'm afraid what I have looks a bit skimpy. Another part of my mind also wants to tame the part of myself that wants to be a perfectionist and accumulate so much at once. I'll need to accept what I have so far to share, maybe I'll also put my teeny gallery up for now, if that's what it takes.
Last thing on my mind: I'm really surprised that from the few instances I've updated with such minscule changes that so many people have viewed my site. I tend to be a rather quiet person, but I didn't know so many people were nosy at my little site. I suppose I'll have to be a bit steady with what I've got here versus just dumping a whole lot and running off. On the other hand, trying to take a break from updating to not feel left out is a good thing to practice. Neocities has aspects of social media on its users' pages while having aspects of the old web in the ways of updating it when the user feels like it without pressure. Everyone's got a life, as do I. We've got to live it, ya dig?
| Thinking about the future a lot.
Since the last time I've spoken on here, I've had my birtday on St. Patrick's Day with my church family, friends, and a couple of relatives.
It was fun! I liked treating people in hosting my church's coffee hour and at home. I loved seeing people I know meet and talk with each other.
It's a sincere joy I have in that sort of communion. I count myself blessed in that way.
Lately, I've been in the mode of trying to see how I can get prepared for a number of things. Whether it's this Neocities page for updates, my mother's birthday, or even pondering over the path of being an illustrator as an artist, there's things to shed off or take on to give time to think on, such as how to network in getting myself out there. Should I begrudgingly get an Instagram again, despite how much it's changed from the algorithms to limiting posts to logged in users only? Nevermind the fact that it can't load pages for me correctly from browsing too fast or...something.
My time on learning from my online art courses is coming to a close. I enjoyed the time I had, though I do need to put in the work of practice, which I did off and on during the subscription. I have a good bit of notes I've been taking from that, thanks to the way Obsidian is laid out; I find it really useful. I'll be glad to keep them as I work on the assignments away from the site to work on some unfinished works in progress that I feel more prepared to work on more thoughtfully. I am excited to work on them and share them more often, not just here on Neocities, but elsewhere.
Recently, I have been enjoying blogging on Dreamwidth despite having no audience. But that actually feels good to speak to the void! Though, if someone wants to say something nice to me, I don't mind. It's been a nice way to journal my thoughts. Perhaps, I'll go more in-depth on my artwork processes on there than anywhere else, if I feel like I want to do that on Dreamwidth. Makes me think I'll have to link it to my Carrd someday, but I'll think about it some more. I was more so wanting to focus on fanfiction and my art on there as a little hole in the wall, but if this is the place for it, then that's what I may resort to in some way. I do find it more fascinating to see one's works concentrated on a blog or website versus social media. It makes me appreciate them some more.
| Building up a website but also courage.
So, it seems to be time for a journal since my update log is getting a little long, and maybe it's time to share some thoughts. I am getting close to getting my about page done, and I am thinking about making some art for it. Perhaps I should make some special art for links and also the sitemap later. I hope that as I grow more with coding knowledge with some sites I've linked to really make it feel fun for me and others who may enjoy it. I think the biggest challenges may just be the museum and the gallery, but I will do what I can to make it work.
In the meantime, I've been building up knowledge more so with my art with SVSLearn. I do value much of the instruction, even if I am slow to complete the assignments. Though, going through the videos lately on perspective and enviroment have really been more eye-opening on the instruction I learned from the prior units about how to draw everything, usually through some of the basic shapes and forms. It's funny; one of the instructors for the advanced perspective course said while drawing some of the shapes for a bedroom with two points for a perspective grid said, "This is not math." I was too good at math in school to believe that because all I saw was area and later, volume. But it's good that I did see it because it really clicked with me! Thanks to my math teachers growing up, I do see how math does apply to reality a bit better, especially to something I like so much.
Otherwise, I hope to do a bit more studying on environments and backgrounds. For a while, I've always felt that my art was a bit empty since I focus on characters so much and tend to lack inspiration on what to fill in for a background aside from some shape with a brush or with the shape tool. Aside from what I have learned lately, I should look back on some of my inspirations and some other contemporary artists when it comes to that.
What I find interesting is that what I am slowly finding a bit of courage when it comes to being a bit more equipped with not being as anxious as I should be socially, while finding imperfection to be okay and also not taking rejection so seriously. I hope I keep it up to the point of really maturing a bit more through taking bigger steps to put my art out in town, since it's more welcoming to visual artists than it used to be.